Party etiquette tips: how to be a sophisticated guest and gracious host
The party season is here! Are your calendars quickly filling with work Christmas parties, Holiday dinner gatherings and New Year’s parties? I know mine is, and I can’t wait!! Having experienced two years of lockdown, any excuse to have a party right?
The term “party” often gets associated with drunkenness, rowdy, doof-doof all night long. But this Christmas, let’s change this by practising some party etiquette! Because parties create a great opportunity for us to come together and socialise face-to-face. It’s an opportunity to nurture existing relationships and build new ones.
I appreciate in a world where we spend the majority of our time behind screens (hello Zoom!), WhatsApps and scrolling through social media, in-person interactions have significantly reduced. Do you remember what are the dos and don’ts of attending an event? Are you anxious about doing or saying the wrong things that could have lasting reputational damage? If you’re hosting dinner this Christmas, do you what it takes to be a gracious host that leaves people with the best party experience ever?
Historically, etiquettes and manners have been only taught to and practised by aristocrats and high-class society. That’s why we often associate someone who has impeccable manners with those coming from class and money. Lucky for us, today these rules and guidelines are more accessible, thanks to Emily Post’s Etiquette book that has been circulating for decades.
Therefore, if you want to build a high-value life you need to have impeccable manners. Spoiler alert! You don’t need to be pompous and uptight, you can still let your hair down and have fun. But there is the classy way and then the not-so-classy way.
In this post, we will be covering classy party etiquette tips for the sophisticated guest and the gracious host, which is inspired by Emily Post’s guidelines and how I’ve adapted them to suit our modern lifestyle. Feel free to skip ahead to the section you need. But be sure to bookmark this page for future reference.
So without further ado, let’s get into it.
Party etiquette on how to be a sophisticated guest
It’s an honour to be invited to parties and functions, particularly at this time of year. You just have to show up and have fun! However, hosting a party, big or small, requires a lot of time and resources.
As a guest, it is super important to be thoughtful and make things as smooth for them as possible. This will leave a positive impression on the host and continue to receive future invites.
1. Always always RSVP
First and foremost, RSVP within the given timeframe! RSVP is a French phrase “répondez s’il vous plaît” meaning “please respond”. Whether your invitation came on fancy paper, email or text, the most helpful thing you can do is respond and confirm whether or not you will be attending. This allows the host or organiser to plan for food, drinks, logistics etc. Particularly if it is a dinner party. Even if the invite doesn’t explicitly call for RSVP, it is polite to respond and confirm your attendance.
Big no no is don’t wait to be chased! It is seriously the most distasteful and not classy behaviour. Worst of all, it gives the impression that you’re waiting for a ‘better offer’ and that’s not cool! Let’s face it, most of us have a walking planner in our hands, aka smartphone, you should know pretty much straight away whether you are free and want to attend or not. So it’s a simple decision.
If you can’t make it, promptly reply and politely decline the invitation. This way, they can use your quota to invite someone else. We can’t always invite everyone due to space (and budget) constraints, especially if you’re living in a London flat. Leaving it until the last minute to decline is plain rude and creates unnecessary stress for the host.
2. Plan Ahead
If you are attending, plan ahead. Enquire about the dress code if it’s not on the invite, more on this below, and follow the guidelines. Consider bringing a small gift for the host or the organiser to show your appreciation for the invitation, especially if it’s to their home. I never arrive empty-handed. It doesn’t have to be anything big.
Some fresh flowers from the supermarket or a nice bottle of wine are always well received. (Tip: do check if they are allergic to flowers first.)
3. Honour your commitment
The next party etiquette is to honour your commitment. If you RSVP’ed your attendance, make sure you show up! Don’t cancel last minute or even worse, do a no-show (both my pet peeves).
Sure, you might’ve gotten sick or had an emergency on the day. Then let the host know ASAP. Give them as much notice as you can so they have time to adjust their plans. Sometimes you just can’t. I get it. And it’s okay. Just be sincere and apologetic about it. Most people understand.
The main point here is to not make a habit of it! Only cancel if it’s a serious matter and you physically cannot make it, not because you changed your mind or received a ‘better offer’. If someone keeps cancelling on me, then I’d think twice before inviting them to any future engagements. Just saying…
4. Follow the dress code guidelines
As a classy and elegant Lady, you should always dress appropriately for any occasion! And as a sophisticated party guest, you should follow the dress code guidelines and show up in the correct attire.
If it’s a black tie event, then put on an evening gown (and tuxedo for gents). If it’s a cocktail party, wear a nice cocktail dress. If it’s a fancy dress/themed party, then make the effort to dress up accordingly. If fancy dress is not your thing, then simply decline the invite. There’s nothing more annoying for the host than guests not adhering to the dress code.
The dress code is usually mentioned on the invite. If not, then check with the host when you are planning your attendance. Remember first impression is the lasting impression. So the 3 seconds is all about your physical appearance. If they say wear ‘anything’, then I would check the venue to gauge what to wear.
My motto is no dress code is everyday elegance dress code, aka smart casual.
I am working on a post about how to achieve these effortlessly everyday elegant looks with most things you already have in your wardrobe in an upcoming post. So stay tuned!
5. Don’t assume you can bring a plus one
This is exactly what it is. If your invitation doesn’t have a plus one, don’t bring a plus one. Even if your plus one is as cute as Jasper here.
6. Arrive on time
It’s one thing to be fashionably late but it’s another thing to be really late. Emily Post’s guideline says to arrive within the first 15 minutes. But these days anywhere within the first 30 minutes is acceptable.
Don’t arrive so late that people have to wait for you, especially if it is a sit-down meal. But if you are stuck in traffic and going to be late, then it is courteous to let the host know and tell them to not wait for you to start.
Don’t be early, as the host might still be busy getting things ready and you don’t want to disrupt her flow.
7. Social etiquette, engage, mingle and participate
Every host/hostess/organiser aims for everyone to enjoy themselves at their party. But don’t expect them to be with you the whole, as they have to host everyone else too, it’s not just you. Therefore, be prepared to introduce yourself to other guests, mingle and socialise. Keep the conversations light with someone you’ve just met.
If you see someone on their own, be gracious, go and introduce yourself, and invite him/her to your circle of friends. They and the host will forever be grateful. And you never know, that might be your new life-long friend or a partner for life! So don’t be shy.
As I mentioned, the host just wants everyone to feel that they’ve just been to the best party in town. This may involve organised games or activities for people to play. Get involved and have fun!
8. Brush up on your table manners and etiquette
If you are invited to a Christmas lunch or dinner, bring your best table manners and dining etiquette to the party. For example, knives are for cutting, forks and spoons are for the mouth, don’t clink your wine glasses, and the bread stays on the bread plate, just to name a few.
Remember every household has its own dining culture and has different levels of formality. The vibe from eating at your parent’s house is completely different to your in-laws or boss’s house. So be prepared to observe the room and follow suit.
9. Mindful drinking and don’t overindulge
I know, I know, cocktails, champas and wines are your jam, mine too, but know your limit! Don’t drink more than you can handle, especially at a work function. I enjoy my drink and love a few glasses of quality wine to enhance my experience, but I don’t fancy not remembering anything the next day.
Not only is being drunk, not elegant, it may cause you to do something embarrassing, regrettable or just be a nuisance to the host. So don’t overindulge on alcohol!
My secret to not limit my alcohol intake is… drink slowly! Take smaller sips instead of gulping them down. You will drink less and you don’t look like a party pooper without a drink in your hand. It’s also more elegant and ladylike. 😉
Finally, don’t waste good wine. If you’re not into them just politely decline.
10. Express appreciation
Express your appreciation to the hosts/hostesses for having you and throwing an amazing party. Compliment the venue, food, overall ambience etc. Tell them how much fun you’re having.
If something is not to your taste, keep it to yourself. If you’re not a fan of Brussels sprouts, then don’t eat them. There is a time and place for constructive feedback. If you feel strongly about something, find another opportunity to speak to the host after the event.
12. Gracious departure
Gauge the exit and depart graciously. Don’t overstay your welcome. If the invitation states when the party ends, make sure you leave by that time. Otherwise, just gauge when everyone is starting to leave, and take your exit.
Before leaving, graciously thank for host/hostess for hosting you. Express your gratitude for the invitation and tell them what a wonderful time you had at the party. If you’re not in a rush, offer to help tidy up any post-party cleanup.
13. Send a post-party thank you note
After the party, send a thank you note to the host/hostess again for the invitation and tell them what a wonderful time at the party, expressing your gratitude for their hospitality.
This is a lost art when it comes to party etiquette. But it’s a nice touch. This could be as simple as a text message or an email.
So that is our 13 tips on how to be a sophisticated guest. It boils down to showing respect for the host, pleasantly engaging with others, and contributing positively to the festivities and the parties.
Party Etiquette on how to be a gracious host/hostess
A gracious host/hostess creates a welcoming atmosphere for their guests, ensuring that they are well prepared for the day, have enough food and drinks, and attend to the guests on the day so it leaves a warm memory for them.
I love hosting parties at home. Typically we have two-three events a year such as the annual barbeque, Christmas dinner, special occasions etc. because I’m a Teow Chew Chinese! 🙂
Just a couple of months ago, we hosted our dear friends’ farewell party. They were moving back to Melbourne for good. So we gave them a no other than British Sunday roast dinner send-off.
A lot of work and effort goes into planning an event. The below list is some of the party etiquette I follow to ensure the smooth running of the day, my guests feel comfortable on the day and enjoy themselves.
So if it is your turn to host Christmas this year, then this guide is for you!
1. Plan and prepare ahead
Plan ahead for the party. Set the date, and decide what kind of party are you having. From summer barbeques to dinner parties to drinks and games. This will determine what and how you should prepare for the party.
Create a guest list and send the invitation out well in advance to give people plenty of notice. If it is a big event like a wedding, you may even want to send out a ‘Save the Date’.
Prepare the house. This means cleaning, tidying the house and turning it into a showroom. Just kidding, not kidding. Consider decorating the house to create a festive atmosphere. I must admit, this is not one I follow, except for Christmas.
Plan the menu and drinks for the day. Remember those with strict dietary requirements. It’s not always possible to cater for everyone. But a gracious host will do their best to accommodate. If you really can’t, then let them know and offer for them to bring their own food to the party.
2. Set the table beforehand
I like to be super organised and set the table in the morning or even the night before. That’s one less thing you have to juggle on the day. It makes nice decorations and more welcoming for your guests to arrive at a beautifully set table.
3. Welcoming the guests on the day
On the day, it’s your job to welcome the guests and make them feel comfortable. Take their coats and hang them up in a closet or put them in another room. Offer the refreshments upon arrival. Introduce them to other guests so they can mingle and socialise.
4. Hosting During the party
During the party, you have to keep things flowing. Circulate between guests to catch up with them. Don’t just hang with one group. Let them know where the drink station is so they can help themselves. But don’t overdo or it can become overbearing and end up making the guest uncomfortable.
Exercise some judgment. Gauge the crowd. Some friends who are close to you and frequently come over to hang out, are practically part of the furniture, they will likely sort themselves out. For others who may not be as comfortable, pay more attention to them.
5. Don’t wait too long to serve food
If you are inviting people for a sit-down meal, then make sure you serve the food as close to the expected meal time as possible. I like having people over a couple of hours before mealtime for pre-dinner drinks and canapés.
I find a grazing platter of antipasto is always a crowd favourite and super easy to execute. It also makes it easy for guests can mingle and warm up to each other first before the meal. It will make dinner less awkward.
What to do with latecomers? It depends on how late. If they text to provide an ETA and it’s within reason, then I will try to wait. Otherwise, I will start the meal, leaving their share warmed up in the oven.
6. Don’t forget thy neighbours
Be considerate of your neighbours. They are a lot closer than we want them to be, particularly in London. If you are planning a dance party and expect to have loud music, let your neighbours know beforehand, from what time to what time they can expect loud music, and ensure you set a reasonable curfew e.g. 11pm. Make sure you turn it off by said time!
Side note: If you’re in London, not only illegal to play loud music after 11 pm, but it is also very rude and inconsiderate. You should find out what the curfew is in your city and adhere to it to save you from getting the embarrassing knock on the door by some cops!
7. Time to say goodbye
When the guests are leaving, graciously thank them for coming to your party and hope they had a fabulous time. You may also give each guest a small gift as a token of appreciation. This is common for weddings. But if it’s a small house gathering, then it may not be necessary.
You could also follow up with a thank you note or message the next day for their attendance. If you are hosting a wedding, then it is very gracious to send out a thank you card to everyone who attended the wedding.
These are some of the top party etiquette typically processed by a gracious host. Hopefully you will find them useful and help you better prepare for your Christmas dinner this holiday season.
At the end of the day, your role as a host/hostess is to make their guests feel welcome, ensure they are comfortable and enjoy themselves. The only way you can do that is to relax and enjoy the event yourself!
Final thoughts…
Whether you’re hosting a party or attending one, these are some unspoken etiquette rules you need to practice if you are to come across as a gracious host and a sophisticated guest. Now that you know, no more social faux past!
Remember living a classy and elegant life doesn’t mean you have to be boring and bound by endless rules and constraints. It is about understanding social etiquettes and manners so that you know how to behave appropriately under all circumstances.
In addition, whilst this post is specific to party etiquette and how to behave at social events, I have another post about developing elegant and classy daily habits that you should also read if you want to be closer to your high-value self.
Before you go, if you have a dog, you may want to Jasper @Jasperexplores on Instagram as he travels across the UK to all the dog-friendly places.
