7-Steps to Stop Being Overly Nice and Start Living on Your Terms
Saying yes when you want to say no. Laughing when you don’t find it funny. And agreeing to things when it’s against your principles. We’ve all been there! Putting on this nice facade to win friends. Something started as small and insignificant as a polite nod and courtesy laugh. Being nice is something we do oh so naturally, all day, and every day.
BUT… Have you ever wondered if your ‘niceness’ is holding you back in life? Do you ever feel that your overly nice gestures are preventing you from being your authentic self?
Then it’s time to STOP being overly nice and start living life on your terms! Learn how to cultivate self-confidence and set boundaries for a more fulfilling and authentic life.
We put on these social masks all the time! At work, in social gatherings when interacting with another human being. Most of us learnt to be nice and pleasant at an early age, to fit in, make friends and to be liked.
Being a ‘nice’ person is not a bad thing. It’s necessary to navigate through life. But what happens if the magnitude of your ‘niceness’ is turning into a recurring sacrifice for your well-being and success? And it’s preventing you from being your authentic self?
At first glance, the desire to be nice and accommodating seems harmless, perhaps an extension of courtesy. But if it’s a constant one-way street of self-compromise, and being taken advantage of, then we are crossing the ‘too nice’ territory.
Key Takeaways:
- Recognise the cost: Being overly nice and accommodating can lead to overextending yourself, often at your own expense. Pleasing others should not compromise your needs and values. It’s not your job to make people like you!
- Strive for authentic kindness: Lose the niceness mask and cultivate authentic kindness to build deeper and more genuine relationships.
- Cultivate the right mindset and take intentional actions: Setting boundaries, saying no respectfully and prioritising self-care are the secrets to living on your terms. Moving away from routine politeness to authentic kindness is key to building deeper and authentic relationships.
As a recovered overly nice person, I thought I’d been pretty good at living life on my terms. However, upon reflecting on my lessons from 2023, I realised I haven’t been as disciplined as I should be about maintaining my boundaries and looking after myself.
This has led to burnout, discontentment, and worst of all, it didn’t move the needle in my career, despite working harder and longer hours!
So I feel compelled to share these 7-step processes on how to stop being overly nice, 1) as a reminder to myself, and 2) to help you break through that detrimental mindset of neglecting yourself whilst prioritising other people’s needs.
Step 1: Realise the Need to Change and Stop being Overly Nice
The critical first step to change is realising the need to change. You recognise what being a people pleaser is costing you is the biggest motivator. This is your why.
I learned the hard way that constantly trying to please people came at a steep price. In my pursuit to be nice and wanting to be liked by everyone, I often found myself foregoing my own needs and neglecting my well-being.
“Oh, you want falafel for lunch… again?” Urghh I hate falafel! You thought to yourself, but said out loud, “Of course hun! I love falafel!”
“Yes, no problem, I can stay on to finish the presentation, I know you’ve got a lot on…” and before you knew it, you were clocking on till 11 pm checking off your to do list!
Do these scenarios sound familiar to you?
Recognise the Cost of Being a People Pleaser
That is you trying to be a people pleaser. Going out of your way to accommodate other people’s schedules and needs over yours!
This pattern of behaviour is not sustainable. Whilst on the surface you were just trying to be nice and genuinely want to make other people’s lives more comfortable. But deep down, you are actually being unkind to yourself. You forgot that your needs are just as valid and deserving of attention.
I’ve been in these situations many times before. I’ve come to realise that I was building a lopsided relationship. It eventually took a toll on my mental and physical health, which led to burnout, resentment, unfulfilment, and surprisingly, a sense of loneliness. More on this later.
By always agreeing and not voicing my own opinions or needs, I was doing a disservice to myself.
In a professional sense, it was hindering my career progression. My willingness to put others first and bend over backwards to accommodate them was seen as a weakness rather than a strength.
Because a true leader is not afraid to voice their opinions. A true leader knows how to balance between authentic kindness and assertiveness. Essentially, overly nice behaviour diminishes your presence and power.
Therefore, the cost of being a people leader is too great to ignore!
Step 2: Reflect on the Root Causes of Your Too Nice Behaviour
As a recovered nice person, I understand the struggle to break away from this behaviour. Before we can change, it’s important to understand the root causes of why you feel compelled to be too nice to people.
There are many reasons why people exhibit overly nice behaviours. A common root cause is the fear of rejection and/or abandonment. So you overcompensate with niceness in order to fit in, win friends and be liked.
This was me when I was growing up. You can read my story here. This ‘too nice’ behaviour became a habitual response until I made the critical mindset shift to stop being this overly nice behaviour.
Another root cause is due to low self-esteem. We might be tying our self-worth to other people’s approval. Therefore we are overly agreeable.
It could also be a lack the confidence to push back. You know, confrontation and voicing your disagreement is hard, especially towards people of power, like your boss. So we take the easy way out by suppressing our needs and just go with the flow for fear of damaging the relationship.
Believe me, over the long run, this behaviour is detrimental to your mental health and well-being. It can lead to inauthentic interactions with people.
Step 3: Understand the Psychological Impact on Your Mental Health
And what’s the psychological impact it will have on us?
Constantly being overly nice to others not only impacts our value, but it can make us vulnerable and become prey to being taken advantage of. Causes stress, and comes across as ingenuine resulting in a sense of loneliness.
a. Self-sabotage and detrimental to your self-worth
When you constantly prioritise other people’s needs over your own, you are sending the message, intrinsically to yourself and externally to others, that your own needs and desires are not as important as everyone else’s!
This is self-sabotaging and detrimental to your worth. People will not respect you. You end up having to try harder and make more sacrifices to get their approval… it’s a vicious circle!
b. Feelings of anxiety and stress
Another reason why you need to stop being overly nice is that it can lead to feelings of anxiety and stress. Imagine constantly trying to please people, saying yes when you want to say no, pretending to laugh at their joke when you don’t find it funny or even offended but too afraid to call them out!
Pretending everything is fine when it’s not. Cosplaying this super easy-going and anything-goes persona. Constantly suppressing those negative emotions is stressful. It’s damaging to your soul.
It’s normal to experience negative emotions from time to time. But long-term suppressing them can only lead to a major explosion one day, which is even more destructive to the relationships.
c. Come across as ingenuine or fake
This one took me by surprise! I always thought you can’t go wrong by being nice to people, right? Wrong!
Well technically, it’s not wrong. No one will hate you for being nice to them. But people will find you inauthentic.
No one can be so nice all the time!
If you’re always pretending to be nice, then you’re not being your true self in front of others. This will show up in your body language. People will pick up the incongruent between what your body language is projecting vs the words you say.
They may not be able to pinpoint what it is, but people will feel it in the gut. Something is not quite right.
This makes you come across as inauthentic or fake. This kind of relationship is ingenuine.
The niceness often comes from a place of obligation, seeking approval or just to be liked. How can you build a deep and meaningful relationship with someone like this?
Well, you can’t. No one knows who you are because you’re not showing up with your true self. This is a really lonely place to be. Because as humans we need to be heard. To be known. And to belong. Otherwise, it’s a lonely lonely place.
d. People will find you boring
Last, but not least, and somewhat linked to the above, people will find you boring. Because everything is fine.
You’re just so predictable. You have no personality. They don’t know what makes you tick. You don’t seem to have values and principles in life. Worse of all they may see you as a spineless individual who just follows the pack and does what they’re told.
It’s like dating a ‘nice’ guy who always says yes to you. He does everything you want and more. But there’s no personality. He’s just another nice guy.
In conclusion, the psychological impact of overly nice behaviour is vast. Professionally, you’ll be bypassed for promotion as you’re being seen as lacking confidence and leadership qualities. Socially you’re easily used and taken advantage of.
Step 4: Shift Your Mindset to Kindness Instead
Living by your core values is an essential trait of a classy lady who stands out from the crowd. Acting through kindness is key to people’s hearts.
I often reflect on this common human interaction. It dawned on me that there is a stark difference between kindness and niceness, which holds the key to personal empowerment and authenticity.
Whilst being kind and being nice are often used interchangeably, I’ve come to realise they represent two very different kinds of interaction.
The Facade of Niceness
In my experience, I see ‘nice’ as a surface-level interaction and an exchange of pleasantries and courtesy that are expected in society.
These gestures help to break the ice and build rapport with someone, on the surface. Smiling and offering polite words without deep engagement or sincerity.
As my husband always says, if you’re not a criminal, then you’re a nice person! LOL
But joking aside, being a nice person does make you more likeable. There’s no doubt about it.
It helps to maintain harmony in the relationship. This may require you to put on a nice facade in social situations to be pleasant (even if you don’t feel it). This could be out of obligation, politeness, avoid awkwardness or just simply taking the easy way out instead of confrontation!
In practice, this means saying ‘yes’ to more work even though your plates are full. Accommodate other’s schedules at your own expense. Pretending that everything is ok when it is not.
In essence, this facade prevents you from being your authentic self because you’re constantly refraining from expressing your opinion for fear of conflict, rejection or dislike.
Finding the Strengths in Kindness
‘Being kind’ on the other hand is an expression of genuine compassion and empathy that is anchored on your wisdom and values. It involves making choices that are kind and considerate of yourself and others.
This is about extending a helping hand within the realm of your boundaries. It’s about a genuine willingness to help without losing yourself in the process. It’s about maintaining your integrity and principles whilst supporting others.
I’m not saying to stop being nice, I’m saying stop being overly nice. Niceness is just a social facade and should be kept as that – on the surface.
While the psychology of being nice tends to be seeking approval or avoiding conflict, being kind doesn’t need an audience. It comes from a place of genuine care rather than seeking reciprocation or being seen in a different light.
The transition from being habitually nice to authentically kind is not just a change in actions, but a shift in mindsets. It’s about recognising and honouring your worth.
Remember true kindness comes from within. And it’s not selfish to put yourself first!
Step 5: Learn the Strategies to Live on Your Own Terms
This may not sound sexy but the truth is, every relationship is an exchange of one thing for the other. Whether it’s an exchange of mutual benefits or a lopsided exchange.
A lopsided relationship means one party is always the one doing the giving, accommodating and pleasing the other party. Those who have the ‘too nice’ syndrome are likely to be the victims of this unhealthy relationship.
Therefore we need to take action to consciously (at first) stop ourselves from being too nice and start standing up for ourselves until it becomes a habit.
What does this look?
Identify situations where you are being overly nice
Firstly, identify situations where you are over-compromising your position, aka being overly nice.
Was it when your boss asked you to help your colleague with their project, despite your multiple deliverables? Are you always changing your schedules to accommodate others?
Whatever it is. Write them down. Reflect on the situation and visualise how you would want to handle it next time. What does it look like? What would you say and how would you say it?
Role-play it in your mind so that you can use it the next time you are in a similar situation.
Set boundaries for yourself
As a recovered overly nice person, I know how challenging it is to set boundaries for yourself AND follow through. But it is a vital step to looking after yourself and your mental health.
Firstly, know your limits. Reflect on times when you felt uncomfortable, resentful, and overwhelmed. Then use these scenarios as clues to your limits. Set your boundaries accordingly, and communicate with those around you.
When communicating, learn how to assert yourself appropriately without coming across as too passive or aggressive. Don’t be afraid to remind people about them and your needs.
One thing to note when setting boundaries is to not go too aggressive too quickly. Start by making incremental steps towards your ideal boundary.
This way people feel like you’ve had an identity crisis and completely flipped by 180 degrees.
Some people may not like this new you at the start but that’s ok. If they are decent human beings, then they will learn to respect you and your needs.
Remember, it’s not your job to make people like you!
Related post: Qualities of Classy Lady to learn the importance of values and principles, and Cultivate healthy Daily habits to elevate your everyday.
Learn to say no respectfully
Saying ‘no’ might seem daunting at first, especially towards someone of higher authority such as your boss, senior colleague, your parents etc. But do not fret, you just need to learn the art of saying no.
Start by being clear and direct. Don’t apologize or make excuses, as this can weaken your message. Just be factual, firm and kind. But take the emotions out.
Use “I” statements to express your needs and feelings. For example, “I’m not able to help with that right now” or “I need to focus on my priorities at the moment.”
It’s always good practice to offer them an alternative, where possible. Your no will be more receptive. For example, “I need to focus on my priorities at the moment, but I can look at this for you tomorrow”.
It’s also important to remember that you don’t owe anyone an explanation for your decision. If someone pushes back or tries to guilt-trip you, it’s okay to reiterate your position and end the conversation. Less is more here.
People may be taken aback or even shocked at first. But if you are being kind and respectful in your message, then it’s on them, not you.
Practise self-care and prioritise self-respect
Another key strategy for achieving balance is prioritizing your own self-respect. This means valuing your own needs and feelings as much as you value those of others.
This might mean saying no to things that don’t align with your values or goals. Saying no to things that fall outside of your boundaries. Or it may require you to speak up when someone treats you poorly.
It’s also important to practice self-care and self-compassion. This might mean taking time for yourself to do things you enjoy, or it might mean seeking support from friends or a therapist when you need it.
Remember, prioritizing self-respect doesn’t mean being selfish or uncaring. It simply means valuing yourself as much as you value others, and recognizing that your needs and feelings matter too.
Step 6: Seek Feedback and Refine as Needed
If you’re a long-term reader of this blog, you would know about my 3-step level-up process: Discover, Refine and Elevate.
I am a strong believer in incremental improvements and continuous refinement to elevate yourself.
Self-reflection and seeking feedback is an important part of the Refine step in our 3-step process.
Ask your significant other, a mentor, or a trusted friend/colleague for constructive feedback. Reflect on it. Take action to refine your approach.
Maybe you came on too aggressive or not assertive enough. Maybe you need to soften your message a bit more. Maybe you were too waffly when communicating your stance…
You won’t know this unless someone tells you!
Accept that you’re not going to be perfect from the get-go. It’s ok. Embrace the feedback as an opportunity to improve.
Practise makes perfect. Soon enough, this will be part of your DNA!
Step 7: Build Confidence in Yourself and Your Decisions
Self-confidence is the antidote to excessive niceness. It’s the internal compass that will steer you from the need to seek the approval of others.
I learnt that as I grew more confident in myself, I was able to stand firmer and taller in my abilities and the decisions I’ve made. Thus, the desire to constantly please fades.
I can’t stress enough the importance of working on your inner confidence to help you stop this overly nice behaviour.
You can try the following techniques to strengthen self-assurance:
- Self-affirmations: Start the day with positive affirmations that reinforce your self-worth. Remind yourself of all the past successes, big or small, and the unique qualities you’ve acquired over the years. I find that writing them in a notebook or gratitude journal to be really helpful with this step.
- Push your comfort zone: Take on new challenges at work or personal projects or hobbies to learn new skills, and expand your comfort zone. This will increase your capabilities, gain more wisdom and ultimately increase your confidence,
- Have a support network: Surround yourself with a supportive network who respect and appreciate you for who you are. They will lift you up and help you become the best version of yourself.
The Key to Maintaining Healthy Relationships
Maintaining healthy relationships is the path to a happy and fulfilling life. We discussed earlier that being overly nice can lead to problems with relationships.
A healthy relationship is a balanced interaction based on mutual understanding and respect through open and honest communication.
Strive to build deeper connections with people by moving away from surface-level politeness. Instead of the instinctive “I’m fine”, consider responding in a way that reflects the real state of mind. Instead of just saying “well done”, consider qualifying it specific examples of where they did well.
Once you start to take these intentional actions, you will start to feel your relationships transform. A deeper connection is built through genuine kindness and empathy rather than routine politeness.
This is the secret to maintaining healthy relationships that stand the test of time.
Frequently Asked Questions
What are the potential drawbacks of excessive niceness in professional settings?
In professional settings, being overly nice can lead to being taken advantage of, and may result in being seen as weak or lacking in leadership qualities. It can also lead to a lack of respect from colleagues and superiors, which can hinder your career growth.
Can being overly nice lead to psychological issues?
Yes, being overly nice can lead to psychological issues such as anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. Constantly putting others’ needs before your own can lead to feelings of resentment and burnout.
How can you balance kindness and assertiveness in personal relationships?
You can balance kindness and assertiveness in personal relationships by setting boundaries and communicating clearly. It is important to be kind and considerate of others’ feelings, but also to assert yourself when necessary to avoid being taken advantage of.
Why might excessive niceness be perceived as unattractive?
Excessive niceness can be perceived as unattractive because it can come across as insincere or lacking in authenticity. It may also be seen as a lack of confidence or assertiveness, which can be unattractive to some people.
What strategies can help someone reduce their tendency to be overly friendly?
Some strategies that can help someone reduce their tendency to be overly friendly include setting boundaries, practicing saying no, and focusing on personal needs and desires. It is also important to be aware of one’s own feelings and motivations, and to practice self-care.
How does one recover from the negative impacts of being excessively nice?
To recover from the negative impacts of being excessively nice, you can start by setting boundaries and learning to say no. It is also important to practice self-care and focus on personal needs and desires. Seeking therapy or counselling may also be helpful in overcoming any psychological issues that may have arisen from excessive niceness.
